What?!?… Yes, you read that right. Let’s get fat!

Come on; let’s take a playful pass at our national obsession with “losing weight” and look at it from a contrasting point of view. Let’s explore: “What do I need to do to make sure that I gain weight?” The research is actually quite compelling, but chances are you may have missed it, so here’s a refresher course on ten proven steps you can take in your daily routine to maximize your fat gain, as much as possible.

1. Start your day with a cup of coffee, the bigger the better: This is actually very cool. Caffeine sends an “alarm” signal to your brain that you’re under attack! Actually, what it does do is override the Adrenal glands to make sure that there’s enough blood sugar to start the day. And what it will also guarantee is that your blood sugar levels will become really low (a.k.a. hypoglycemia), so be sure to eat something sweet with that cup of Joe, that way you’ll ensure a false sense of security, as well as a false sense of energy. Better yet, this daily routine will add to your growing Adrenal fatigue and help make sure that you can’t possibly generate energy without artificial stimulants in your daily diet (i.e. caffeine and simple carbs).

2. Do not eat any protein in the morning: One of the best ways to get fat is to absolutely flood your body with carbs – the simpler, the better. If you introduce protein into your breakfast, it only slows down your body’s ability to deal with all that carb-based sugar, as well as all that Insulin raging through your body seeking to store all that excess sugar. Whenever possible, do what you can to cause the greatest spike in your blood sugar (and subsequently your levels of Insulin) as this will ensure that you develop Insulin Resistance which will guarantee optimal fat storage and really help you pack on the pounds. Don’t worry about how this happens – just do it! And after you do this long enough, it will be a true “sweet surprise” to your waistline and your wardrobe.

3. Be sure to eat a lot of small meals throughout the day: Truth be known, our bodies are designed for surviving starvation. But over the last 50 years in America, we have cast our Paleolithic heritage goodbye and are now able to eat 24/7 – it’s the very best thing you can do under this protocol. In addition, this eating strategy is a proven way to clog up an overworked Liver by never letting it rest. What you truly don’t want if you’re trying to put on “max fat” is allow your Liver to detoxify the challenging ingredients from all your meals, not to mention the 80,000 environmental chemicals. Graze whenever and wherever possible. If necessary, keep that nursery rhyme humming in the background: “Good, better, best – never let the Liver rest!” Giving your Liver more time in between meals is the worst thing you could possibly do if you want to make it on Biggest Gainer! Remember, isn’t that what our diet is all about…

4. Seek out food additives “designed” to cause weight gain: Be sure to fill your cupboards — and your stomachs — with products that contain as much of the following three food additives as possible:

a. Monosodium Glutamate (MSG): Now, don’t be fooled into thinking that this can only be found at Chinese restaurants. Relax, it’s everywhere in the American food system. What makes it more fun is that it’s disguised under names like: “hydrolyzed protein,” “autolyzed yeast,” “calcium caseinate,” “magnesium glutamate,””textured protein,” and 35 other names you don’t know about. You get the idea… Have fun finding it and putting as much of this excitotoxin into your tummy as you can stand. The amazing part about this additive is that it tweaks your Hypothalamus (it’s in the center of your brain…) into letting you eat more and more and more. No cause for alarm, relax, it’s automatic.
b. Aspartame: This, too, is an amazing product for packing on the pounds. Despite what you may think, the FDA actually rejected this food additive for 16 years, until President Bush, Sr. (the one who was a member of Yale’s Skull & Crossbones Society…) took office. Until this past year, it was manufactured by that most trusted chemical corporation, Monsanto; is sold as “NutraSweet” & “Equal;” and is found in countless food products. It might as well be called “NutraFat!” It’s unparalleled in its ability to also trick your brain (yup, you guessed it, it’s that Hypothalamus thing, again…) into weight gain mode and has demonstrated its fatso effectiveness in countless research studies – at least those not sponsored by Monsanto.
c. High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS): Now, this is the granddaddy of all fat stimulating additives. Rush to the store to buy all the sodas, cake mixes, breakfast cereals, candies, cough syrups, sauces, etc. that you can afford. The best part about it and the main reason why it’s everywhere – it’s so incredibly cheap to make! Consequently, it won’t cost you too much as you focus on ”Let’s Get Fat!” And the fact that the Corn Refiners Association now wants to rename it: “Corn Sugars” only guarantees that you’ll buy more foods with it under a new name — you’ll never know what you’re eating then.

5. Discipline yourself to a “low-fat” diet. Your body has a natural ability to burn fat. Not to worry, this metabolic pathway works like a muscle: “use it or lose it.” The fastest way to lose it is to eliminate fat from your diet. This guarantees that your body will lose its fat burning ability at a cellular level, and thus preserve as much adipose tissue (a.k.a. fat) as possible on your ever-expanding chassis. And the best part about this dietary strategy — there’s only so much protein that you can eat in a day. Consequently, the balance of your calories must come from carbs – absolutely locking in the Insulin Resistance (noted in #2 above) and thus assuring your weight gain takes place, almost effortlessly. If you remember nothing else, please remember this: “low-fat” means “high-carb” – it’s a lock, and the research is compelling, despite what you have been told otherwise.

6. Focus on foods “designed” to cause inflammation: At its essence, fat is the body’s way of protecting you from ALL the toxins in your diet and/or your environment. The more toxins in your diet and the more offensive they are, the more fat you absolutely need. To remain vigilant, visualize your body as a raging ball of fire. Be sure to eat plenty of the following foods to ensure that this inflammation is at its peak throughout your body:

a. Foods that are highly processed & refined. Be sure to look for products that come in a box, a can, or a white lunch bag – these are the best!
b. Foods that still have trans-fats. Wherever possible, be sure to select foods that have the word: “Hydrogenated” or “Partially Hydrogenated” on them. Margarine is a favorite, but relax, you’ll find trans fats everywhere even though they were banned 15 years ago.
c. Foods that have an outrageous amount of Omega-6 Fatty Acids. These are best found in most, if not all, of the industrialized vegetable oils. Make sure that they come in a clear bottle as this will ensure a greater likelihood of the oil being rancid, which only adds to the likelihood of it causing more inflammation. The best examples for this “food group” are: Corn Oil, Soybean Oil, Canola Oil, Safflower Oil, or Cottonseed Oil. Btw, the Baby Boomers have a distinct advantage here — you all grew up on Crystallized Cottonseed Oil, which was sold many years ago as CRISCO…
d. Foods that contain Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs). Now this is a bit more difficult due to the FDA barring any labels on these foods (again, brought to you by President Bush, Sr. — good ol’ Skull & Crossbones…) Nonetheless, be on the lookout for any produce that has an “8” on the little white sticker or buy only processed food (again, think “box,” “can,” or “frozen”) that has corn, soybean, canola or cottonseed as a main ingredient. These four genetically modified staples now constitute about 80% of the foods we eat as Americans, so it shouldn’t be too hard to find GMOs. Remember, if your food has the Non-GMO Label on the product — put it back! You are only delaying your weight gain by succumbing to organic foods, and spending a fortune in the process. Btw, the latest research with rats has now proven that even with minute amounts of pesticide (a known toxin) in their diet, these laboratory critters become obese. How cool is that?!?… Now to put your mind to rest, when you’re eating GMOs, like Bt Corn or Bt Soy, you’re actually eating pesticide – that’s what “Bt” is code for. And one last dimension, as an added bonus, this eating strategy also works wonders if your goal is to become sterile, but I’ll save that for another post.

7. Plan your biggest and most nutrient dense meal, for as late in the night as possible. You probably already know this (given that you’re committed to “pounding” yourself), but this is actually how Sumo wrestlers achieve their extraordinary weight gains. And who doesn’t want to go toe-to-toe with those guys? The timing (Late!)and the size (Super!)of this meal is a necessity given our plan to overwhelm our digestive system, and again, compromise our liver’s ability to do its critical job. Remember, the more time you give that Liver before bedtime, the more effective it can be in storing all that glucose and detoxifying your system of the toxins – there’s no way, I mean “no weigh…” (Please, pardon the pun…) Bring your liver to its knees, so you can guarantee that you will, as well.

8. Limit your sleep each and every night. Now this is really important. Stay up as late as you can every night possible. Watch David Letterman, get engrossed in thriller movies or just surf the web for as long as your eyes can stand the toothpicks. The less sleep you get, the better. Please don’t tell anyone, but while you’re sleeping, you actually burn fat to provide energy to keep all your countless metabolic processes going. But given that we shut down that fat-burning pathway (see #5 above), we don’t need to worry about that, now do we? And as an added bonus, be sure to sleep with a light on – this will totally confuse your body. In effect, this will make you have a low appetite in the morning, but a high one at night, thus ensuring success with both #2 and #7 above – isn’t this cool how it’s all coming into focus? Just do your part to prevent any true restorative sleep, thereby keeping your body on alert at all times. And btw, if you find you’re always waking up between 1-3 am, well that means one of two things: 1) either your Liver is working way too hard, or 2) you went to bed way too early!

9. Spend as much of your food dollar in restaurants, preferably “Quick Service” ones: As a nation, we currently spend 50% of our food dollar outside the home – that’s about $2,500/person. A little known secret: if you would spend just a few thousand more, you, too, could own the Crave It! Study sponsored by McCormick Spice Co. (2001) Contained in it will be a guaranteed process for “enhancing” your food to ensure maximum visits and thereby, maximum weight gains for patrons. This process makes food “Hyperpalatable,” and with an amazing mixture sugar, fat, and salt, as well as other food additives (see #4 & #6 above), you will learn how to tweak your “hedonic hotspot” also located in your brain (this time it’s the Nucleus Accumbens – neighbor to the Hypothalamus). Once the “hotspot” gets compromised, you’ll never feel satiated, and you will keep coming back for more and more and more food. You can’t help it – you have just become a victim to the central wiring of our brain: the cue-urge-reward-habit cycle that fuels ALL addictions. And best of all, the added bonus to this step: you lose total control over the foods that are going into your body. This is your failsafe strategy: Eat out >>> Get fat… Trust me, it works like a charm. Try it regularly, and let that food eatertainment industry stimulate you to your ever expanding core.

10. And finally, do not, under any circumstance, exercise: Don’t even think about it! What are you trying to do? If you exercise, you’ll only build more muscle and then there’ll be that many more places (i.e. muscle cells) to store all that excess glucose. Now, I’m only going to say this once more, the less muscle, the more Insulin Resistance. And the more Insulin Resistance, the more your body is forced to store that “food” as fat. Insulin Resistance guarantees a faster and greater weight gain. OK? Remember, lose it – don’t use it! So let’s lose as much muscle as possible to ensure optimal fat storage and weight gain. And best of all, if you really harness yourself to #2 and # 5 above, refined foods will absolutely melt in your mouth – you won’t even have to expend all that needless energy chewing your food. How’s that for a true winning step to our getting fatty strategy.

So there you have it! A sure fired, 10-step program to maximize your fat gain. Why I’m so confident, I’ll even guarantee it!

And for those of you who think I’ve totally lost my mind, relax. I’ve just decided it’s time to inject some levity into the relentless din of dietary recommendations seeking to address the nation’s most pressing chronic illness: Obesity. This condition is absolutely out of control across the country and it reflects the abominable state of our food system, our complete lack of commitment to real, restorative food, as well as our unwillingness as a nation to believe the simple truths about what foods, and what food additives, actually cause the creation of or the burning of fat.

A sobering statistic: in the time it took you to read this article (~15 min), 12.5 people died from Obesity-related diseases in America. (Please, let that sink in for a moment – that’s one very 72 seconds…) Even more sobering is the accelerated rate of this condition in infants and children… A rather bleak future, unless we wake up from our processed food stupor and come to our senses about our individual and collective responsibility to reverse these easily correctable dietary trends.

Now, take a deep breath… we’re almost done, but this is the most important part. If you “master” all ten of the steps outlined above, and I’m deadly serious now, it will very likely assure you of becoming what is called Leptin Resistant. What in the world is that, you ask? Well it’s relatively “new” on the research scene (~1994), but Leptin Resistance has now been identified as the leading cause of our ever increasing waist lines, and is repeatedly being shown to be the underlying force behind the growing tsunami of chronic disease crippling America.

Truth be known, Leptin is your body’s master hormone, and is produced by your fat cells, of all places. And much to everyone’s surprise, it keeps the Hypothalamus and all its many, many homeostatic processes running properly. (Btw, the Hypothalamus is the “Intel chip” running your body’s countless metabolic and bodily functions!)

The proper functioning of this critical part of your brain is absolutely affected by the foods, and especially the food additives, that we eat each and every day. And for those of you who are thinking: “Well, there’s no way I’m Leptin Resistant…” Here’s the acid test: Do you have any noticeable fat on your bod? If so, you’re more than likely Leptin Resistant. What this means is that the signaling between your Hypothalamus, your Liver, and your fat cells is blocked likely due to excess sugars in your diet, the “communication” is likely dysregulated, and as a result, your body is forced to store more and more of your food energy as fat — and that’s a fact! To think and eat otherwise is to buck three million years of programming in that “Intel Chip” running your body…

If I could wave a magic wand, my wish would be to have you truly understand the absurdity of following steps #2 and #5 and the devastation that this excess sugar is having in our bodies. Each year, the average American consumes 160 pounds of refined sugar, coupled with 50 pounds of High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS), and another 20 pounds of artificial sweeteners, to boot. And yet, we profess innocence. I’m well aware of the fact that YOU don’t add it to your food, trust me, it is absolutely being done for you and to you. The biggest impact from this annual binge of sugar consumption — it’s wreaking havoc with our Insulin production, and consequently is the primary dietary culprit in the accelerated rise in chronic disease – far, far worse than the saturated fat you’re so terrified of eating! Continued use of excess sugars in our foods is a crime against humanity and we are all innocent bystanders – it’s high time we “Just say ‘No!’ “

Now, for those of you who would like to stop this ever growing madness and learn how to de-engineer each and every one of these 10 steps, and thus avoid the devastating challenge of Leptin Resistance, please contact me as noted below. We have a proven process and several programs designed to make sure you are able to: 1) let go of the dietary mythology slowly killing Americans, 2) learn how to “let go of fat,” and 3) learn how to keep it off.

Give us a call… What have you got to lose?!?…

A votre santé!

Morley M. Robbins
“Health Futurist”
wellness@chiropractic1st.com
847.922.8061 (M)